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my cramps are KILLING me, i seriously mean it this time, but i'm thinking about carolee schneemann.

a lot of letters for one woman's name, but i am thinking of her because of her film fuses.

this is an erotic film and i watched it in my amateur cinema class as well as alone in my room the night before.

so much of my young adulthood has been spent ruminating over what it means to be an adult in the sexual sense. i do believe this film has helped me greatly in my development.

we talked about it in class through a very cinema and media studies lens. we talked about what the cat might mean. we talked about sexuality and the woman's position in the whole realm of pornography. the movie seriously means a lot to me.

just to be clear, this is not a porn film but rather a depiction of scheemann and her then partner in their intimacy. she wanted to display female sexuality not as some vessel or stinking hole, but as a visceral experience. it rules.

i hate to admit it but what also has helped me greatly is spring awakening the musical.

it's just so cheesy in so many regards, so theatre kid, but i really do enjoy it. listening to these teens struggle through their own journeys of young adulthood resonates with me all too greatly.

i tried to explain this to my roommate, anya, but she didn't really get it and i don't really know why this feeling has been such a point of contention for me, but i am here.

i have yet to find someone who really gets it for sex at least. man i want more experience though. there has to be much more to know and i'd like to know it, as much as it feels icky to admit.

i'm going to read the play spring awakening and i'm really excited for it. i know tonally it is somewhat different from the musical, darker. and some plot points are quite a bit different. i learned last night that it is a pretty common read in german high schools which is really interesting. that would never fly here in the states.

i find i relate most to melchior because of how overwhelmed he is by the concept as a whole. i really am lucky though. i live in a big big city. i live in a time where i can engage with those that it feels right with and it's not something too taboo. i am lucky.

my secret, secret new years resolution is to hook up with someone i find attractive. i haven't told anyone that but it is what i want.

unfortunately, like most of the female population, i have "hooked up" with one person and he was not my cup of tea. i thought i was above it somehow, the whole feeling sexually attracted to the way someone looked. i am just not someone who feels physically attracted to men.

c'est la vie. you live and you learn. and it's hard. and it is embarrassing.

i will exist above it all this year. i will fulfill my desires and i will feel it bubble up and out of me!

look out world! _{or i should say the lesbian nightclubbing scene of los angeles...}